My Mother Doesn't Know I'm on the Stage - Jetsam

I'm cherishing a secret in my bosom

About the dreadful stage-life that I lead

I've heard it said that Pro's are decent people

But according to the papers that I read

Both actresses and actors are dead 'wrong uns'

Whether from the 'Palace' or the 'Hippodrome'

The chaps I meet outside know I'm an actor

But I never breathe a word of it at home

So my mother doesn't know I'm on a stage

It would break her poor old heart if she found out

She knows I'm a deserter

From the Scottish Fuseliers

She knows I stole a blind-man's can

That got me seven years

She knows I've been connected

With a gang of West-End Pests

And the police have had me twice inside the cage

And she knows I mix with ladies that have got a shady past

But my mother doesn't know I'm on the stage

Sometimes she sees the powder on my clothing

And then it's such a nuisance to explain

If she thought that it was powder she'd go crazy

Of course I have to tell her it's coc*ine

The day she met me out with Gladys Cooper

She started screaming "Murder " and "Police "

And would have caused a dreadful scene in public

So I told her that the girl was 'Crippen's' niece

'Cos' my mother doesn't know I'm on the stage

And when I draw six hundred pounds each week

If she knew where it came from

She would shoot me like a dog

So I said I'd stole the moneybox

From an Irish Synagogue

She can think that I'm a murderer

Before she'll know the truth

I have to have respect for her old age

And she knows that I'm a bigamist a blaggard and a crook

But thank Heaven she don't know I'm on the stage