Sam Goes To It - Stanley Holloway

Sam Small had retired from the Army

In the old Duke of Wellington's time

So when present unpleasantness started

He were what you might call past his prime

He'd lived for some years in retirement

And knew nowt of war if you please

Till they blasted and bombed his allotment

And shelled the best part of his peas

T were as if bugles called Sam to duty

For his musket he started to search

He found it at last in the Hen house

Buff Orpingtons had it for perch

Straight off to the Fusilliers' depot

He went to rejoin his old troop

Where he found as they couldn't recruit Him

Until his age group was called up

Now Sam wasn't getting no younger

Past the three score and ten years was he

And he reckoned by time they reached his age group

He'd be very near ten score and three

So he took up the matter with Churchill

Who said I don't know what to do

Never was there a time when so many

Came asking so much from so few

I don't want no favours Sam answered

Don't think as I'm one of that mob

All I'm asking is give me the tools lad

And let me help finish the job

I'll fit you in somewhere said Winnie

Old soldiers we must not discard

Then seeing he'd got his own musket

He sent him to join the Home Guard

They gave Sam a coat with no stripes on

In spite of the service he'd seen

Which considering he'd been a King's sergeant

Kind of rankled you know what I mean

He said I come back to the Army

Expecting my country's thanks

And the first thing I find when I get here

Is that I've been reduced to the ranks

He found all the lads sympathetic

They agreed that 'twere a disgrace

Except one old chap in the corner

With a nutcracker kind of a face

Said the old fella Who do you think you are

The last to appear on the scene

And you start off by wanting promotion

Last come last served see what I mean

Said Sam Wasn't I at Corunna

And when company commander got shot

Didn't I lead battalion to victory

Said the old fella No you did not

I didn't said Sam quite indignent

Why in every fight Wellington fought

Wasn't I at his right hand to guard him

Said old chap You were nowt of the sort

What do you know of Duke and his battles

Said Sam with a whithering look

Said the old man I ought to know something

Between you and me I'm the Duke

And if you should look in any evening

You'll find them both in the canteen

Ex Commander in Chief and ex Sergeant

Both just Home Guards you know what I mean