Everybody Ought to Have a Maid (From A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum) - Stephen Collins/Christopher Durang/Michael Rupert

Written by：Stephen Sondheim

Everybody ought to have a maid

Everybody ought to have a working girl

Everybody ought to have a lurking girl

To putter around the house

Everybody ought to have a maid

Everybody ought to have a menial

Consistantly congenial

And quieter than a mouse

Oh oh wouldn't she be delicious

Tidying up the dishes

Neat as a pin

Oh oh wouldn't she be delightful

Sweeping out

Sleeping in

Everybody ought to have a maid

Someone who you hire

When you're short of help

To offer you the sort of help

You never get from a spouse

Fluttering up the stairway

Shuttering up the windows

Cluttering up the bedroom

Buttering up the master

Puttering all around the house

Oh oh

Think of her at the dustbin

'Specially when she's

Just been

Traipsing about

Oh oh wouldn't she be delightful

Living in

Giving out

Everybody ought to have a maid

Daintily collecting bits of paper n'strings

Appealing in her apron strings

Beguiling in her blouse

Pattering through the attic

Chattering in the cellar

Clattering in the kitchen

Flattering in the bedroom

Puttering all around the house

The house

The house

The house

A maid

A maid

A maid

A maid

Everybody ought to have a maid

Someone who's efficient and reliable

Obedient and pliable

And quieter than a mouse

Oh oh wouldn't she be so nimble

Fiddling with her thimble

Mending her gown

Oh oh wouldn't she be delightful

Cleaning up

Leaning down

Everybody ought to have a maid

Someone who'll be busy as a bumblebee

And even if you grumble be

As graceful as a grouse

Wriggling in the anteroom

Jiggling in the living room

Giggling in the dining room

Wiggling in the other rooms

Puttering all around the house

The house

The house

The house