沪江小编：BEC考生练习写作时，看范文会不知道自己的问题在哪里，自己写的作文也不知道该如何改进，下面是两篇范文和详细的点评，说不定也能发现自己练习时的问题。

笔者上商务英语的课已经有些年头了。个人的体会是，商务英语课程以其务实、针对性强而受到学生的青睐，近年来报考的学生数明显大幅上升。当然要得高分也不易，尤其是作文部分，由于BEC写作和我们传统的作文考试题要求相差较大，学生比较难以适应。

本文通过对BEC中级考生文章的分析，给广大考生一点备考建议。

首先一点，我们必须牢记，归根结底，BEC作文考察的还是考生英语表达能力。所以学生并不需要担心自己缺乏这方面的实际经验是否会影响考场发挥。(顺便提一句，BEC高级对商务知识的要求大大提高，因此考生要在语言功底上苦下功夫。比如说，写商务报告的固定格式和用于必须牢记在心。)

与此同时，试题结合商务实战的特点，要求文章必须包含特定信息点，或者是通过提供信息源，以及考题中的标注，规定考生写作的具体范围和内容。所以审题是关键，所有已知条件都必须充分利用，换言之，如果遗漏已知条件，就会因信息表达不完整而导致失分。以下是对我的一名学员习文进行点评。

PART ONE

You have been informed that next Wednesday your company's computer system will be closed down so that improvements can be made.

Write an email to all staff in your department:
♦ saying what time on Wednesday the system will be closed down
♦ suggesting how staff should prepare for this
♦ saying how the system will be better after the improvements

Write 40--50 words

学生作文：

From: Jenny Xu
To: All Staff
Date: 5 April 2009
Subject: Computer System

I want to tell you that our Intranet based on Linux will be closed next Wednesday at 10 o’clock.. I want to suggesting that you should save all your important documents. The computer system will be faster because we will use a newer SAP system. The new system is according to ISO900 and we will benefit from that.

作文解析：

BEC作文解答时，审题非常重要。题目中给出的要求就好比是解代数题中已知条件，都要用到。小作文处理的时候，大家不妨可以把每一个已知条件扩写成一句句句子，同时兼顾句子之间的连接。

通常学生犯的错误是：

1. 漏掉题中给出的已知条件。
2. 给出的已知条件没有表达清楚，用词过于口语化，没有条理，暴露出语言功底薄弱。
3. 切忌过于花哨的发挥，多说多错。

这篇学生的作品是比较典型的案例。作者有一定的英语表达能力和工作经验，但文章中所暴露出来的不足也是明显的。写作不能从细处下笔，而是先要搭建框架。

以这篇习文为例，作者在具体语言的表达的雕琢上可圈可点，比如说第一个句子中based on引导的过去分词做后置定语，但是显而忘记了这篇文章的主要目的，那就是通知同事公司电脑系统要升级，但update这个词始终没有在文章中出现，因此读下来以后，可能同事还不是非常清楚，为什么computer system will be closed down, 尽管后面提到了improvement，总让人觉得有些如鲠在咽，言之不尽;因此，思路不清晰是这篇习文最大的问题。

此外，本文还有以下一些问题：

1. 有些用词过于口语化，比如说，文章开头, I want to tell you, 文中you should save这样的用语;
2. 建议Linux, 将SAP, ISO900等唬人术语统统除去，诚然BEC涉及到基本的商务知识，但是真正考核的还是语言功底，语用能力;商务知识好比是盖浇饭里面的小炒而已。
3.里面还有一个明显的语法错误，I want to suggesting….，当然阅卷者不会刻意去搜寻语法错误，而是综合考量语法得分，但由于小作文篇幅较短，那么这个错误就显得非常明显。

范文：

Please be informed that our computer system will be closed next Wednesday at 12 o'clock for system upgrade. The closure will last for at least two hours. Make sure that you have saved all your documents before that time. The whole system will run on a new server, much faster than the current one.

PART TWO

You work for PJT Ltd, a manufacturing company. You need more staff in your department and your line manager has asked you to write a report explaining why.

Look at the information below, on which you have already made some handwritten notes.Then, using all your handwritten notes, write your report.

Write 120-140 words.

学生作文：

The purpose of this report is to explain why we need more staff in our department.
We compare the number of staff in our department between 2001 and 2003, it only increased five staff. But the average number of ordered units grow up from 200000 to 400000 between 2001 and 2003.
Our sales department has announced a big new order from an international company recently. It will bring us much more workload. And the annual holiday increased to 5 weeks per year. That means that we have more workload and less working days.
If we had more staff the order should be on time. We should save our company’s reputation. And the workflow will be improved.

作文解析：

BEC中级的大作文题型一般以写报告、书信为主，因此，这些必考问题的具体格式必须掌握。英文商务报告的格式有五个部分组成，其中包括报告的Subject, Introduction (This report aims/sets out to……)，Findings (it was found that)， Conclusions(It was decided/agreed/felt that……)， Recommendations (It is suggested that…..) 括号中是每段开头固定的表达方式，考生不宜自己去创造。同样写信也有格式化的表达方式，再此恕不展开。 和第一部分一样，大作文的写作审题是第一步，所有给出的已知条件必须用足。

本文中：

1.考生的习文字数恰当。但没有把报告应有的四个部分写完整，这将导致大量失分。在以上的习文中，考生表现出了不错的语言驾驭能力。

2.在审题上还有一些欠缺，比如 Another reason for more staff is that we will have fewer delays. 在题目中给出的已知条件中，有一份客户的投诉信件，应当作为佐证被引用，否则order should be on time无从谈起。

3.除了没有按照报告的固定格式外，考生语言太随意。比如说，our sales department has announced a big new order，没有出处，而根据文章中给出的已知条件，这是公司Newsletter所通告的，那么根据报告的要求，应该指出信息来源。

4.中国学生还普遍特别敏感的就是企业的信誉，因此经常会看到学生动辄就是喊口号的语言，比如说文中We should save our company’s reputation. 这样空洞无物的话应该避免。

5.还有就是细节处理，句子和段落之间连接忽略了。比如说，It will bring us much more workload. And the annual holiday increased to 5 weeks per year. 以及最后一句话And the workflow will be improved.其中的and 这个词用在这里显随意了些，可以考虑用Meanwhile 有“祸不单行”的意思。后面的And 应该删除。That means that we have more workload 这里两个that离的太近，可以考虑把后面一个去掉，同时时态应该是we will have。

范文：

Report on: More staff in our department
Date: 27.03.2004

Introduction
This report aims to explain why our department needs more staff.
Findings
Statistics show that there exists a big gap between the number of staff in our department and staff workload. While the number of ordered units grew up from only 200000 to 400000 in 2 years, the number of staff grew only by 5 people. According to the Staff Newsletter dated February 2004, we have won a big new order from an international company. That will bring us more work. At the same time, annual holiday has been increased to 5 weeks per year, meaning there won’t be enough staff for all the work. Our customer service department recently received a complaint from one of our clients about a tremendous delay in our delivery.
Conclusion
There are many reasons which explain the need of more staff. It is especially important for reducing the number of delays in delivery and to optimize the workflow.
Recommendations
More staff does not only mean more costs, it also means improved customer satisfaction.

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