We have many distinguished journalists here whom I consider as peers. I once wrote for the campus newspaper. Journalism is the last refuge for puns. Only in a newspaper can I say, “I was born in the year of the horse, that’s why I’m a neigh-sayer (nay-sayer).”
今晚还有很多著名的新闻界认识，我把你们看做我的同事，因为我也曾经为校报写过报道。我认为新闻媒体是双关语最后的避难所。只有在报纸上我才可以说，“我出生在马年，所以我是个反对派。”
（马叫声英文是neigh，neigh-sayer就是发出马叫声的人，谐音nay-sayer，后者是总说反对意见，投反对票的人，nay这个词常用在现场口头投票，如果反对，一般说nay，不说no。在座很多记者，我认为是我的同行，还有上面的自炫比奥巴马优越，因为不用健身，都是一种比较难解释很微妙的幽默，可以理解为对那些自我感觉良好的人的一种讽刺。）
This is my first time on CSPAN, a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn’t handle the demagoguery and sensationalism of PBS and QVC. If I still couldn’t go to sleep after watching CSPAN, there are CSPAN2 and 3!
今天我第一次上CSPAN频道，当我受不了PBS和QVC频道太过煽动的节目时我常常要看CSPAN。要是看完CSPAN我还睡不着觉的话，还有CSPAN-2和CSPAN-3嘛！
（PBS有点类似中国的中央电视台，弘扬主旋律为主，QVC是电视购物频道，所以说这俩的审查和煽动性比较强。明知自己的演讲时CSPAN在直播，但还讽刺一下这个电视台，美国人很喜欢这么干。CSPAN相当于美国国会的监控录像，全天直播国会的各种会议，听证，刚开始看了新鲜，时间长了就很无聊。）
I was just thrilled to be invited to tonight’s event. I showed the White House my jokes about the president, and that’s when Obama decided not to come and started the immigration reform. Take that Stephen Colbert! Obama has been accused of being too soft. But he was conducting two wars and they still gave him the Nobel peace prize, and he accepted it. You can’t get more bad-ass than that! The only way you can be more bad-ass than is that if you took the peace prize money and gave it to the military.
我受到今晚活动的邀请的确很激动。我曾在总统面前表演过我的笑话，这就是为什么奥巴马总统决定今晚不来了，据说他都开始考虑移民改革了。Stephen Colbert，看到了吧！奥巴马被批评过于软弱，但他正指导着两场战争，还被授予了诺贝尔和平奖，而且他竟然还接受了。没有比这更滑稽的了！或许要做到比这更荒谬的事只能是把得来的和平奖金再捐给军队吧。
（奥巴马没到，但也没忘调侃一下他，反衬自己写的那几个笑话的威力。提到Stephen Colbert，因为几年前的记者招待会，他当着bush的面羞辱了bush，那次bush脸色很难看，劳拉甚至骂了粗口，但就是当面很尴尬而已，而我把奥巴马吓得都不敢来了，还开始考虑是否该让这些移民来到美国。相当于说：怎么样Stephen Colbert，我比你牛吧。）
I finally became a US citizen in 2008. Thank you! America is number one! That’s true! We won the World Series every year!
我终于在2008年成为了美国公民，谢谢各位！美国是老大，这是真的，我们每年不都是联赛冠军嘛！
（讽刺了美国国内的各种职业联赛冠军头衔都叫World Champion。）
After becoming the U.S. citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama/Biden. (Turn and face Biden) You are welcome. You had me at “Yes we can” That was their slogan.
成为美国公民后，我立即注册投票给了奥巴马和拜登。（对着拜登说）不客气。你们那句“Yes we can”打动了我。这是他们的竞选口号。
After getting them elected, I felt this power trip and started to think maybe I should run for president myself. I have to explain a little here. I had always been kind of a morose and pessimistic guy. I feel that life is like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night. You probably made a difference, but it’s really hard to tell. Now we have a president who is half black half white. That just gives me so much hope because I am half not black half not white. Two negatives make a positive.
帮助他们获胜后，我内心的力量涌动，开始思考或许自己也可以角逐总统这个职位。我需要在这里稍作解释下，我一直是个抑郁悲观的人，我认为人生就好像在漆黑的冬夜在雪地里小便，你或许能做些许变化，但真的很难预言。现在我们有了一位一半白人血统、一半黑人血统的总统，这给了我很大希望，因为我是一半非白人血统、一半非黑人血统，负负得正嘛！
（Two negatives make a positive，还有下一句的，这次没说出来，就是two illegals make a legal，指只要在美国境内出生就自动获得美国国籍，无论父母身份。）
So my fellow Americans, you may be thinking what is your campaign slogans? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade. You too? I understand that Americans are suffering. My campaign slogan will be, “Who cares!”
所以我的美国同胞们，你们或许想知道我的竞选口号是什么。你想，我在过去的十年里度过了整整十个春秋，你们也是啊？我知道美国人日子不好过，因此我的口号就是“Hu cares!(Who cares！)”
If elected, I would make same sex not only legal, but required,that would get me the youth vote. You see that I am married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like:”Wow! 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!”
如果我当选，我会让同性婚姻不仅合法，而且必须，这样我会得到很多年轻选民的票。我现在已经结婚了，但我过去真的很恐惧婚姻，我常常想“天哪，竟有一半的婚姻最终是走过一生的！”
I will eliminate unemployment by reducing the productivity of American workers so that two people have to do the job of one, just like the vice president and the president, the Olson twins.
我会设法减少失业，方法是减少美国人的生产效率，让两个人干一个人的活，就像副总统和总统这样，或者是Olson双胞胎这样。
（不断地调侃总统和副总统。Olson twins是著名双胞胎，童星。曾经两人演一个角色，在full house里。）
Despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die from natural causes. If elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. It may not be covered by insurance because of pre-existing conditions.
除了心脏病和癌症，大多数美国人都是死于自然死亡，如果我当选，我会设法找到治愈自然死亡的方法，当然这是无法获得医疗保险的，我们会在你买保险前检查你的身体状况。
（pre-existing conditions是指购买医疗保险前的身体状况，保险公司会相应的拒保或者提高保费。）
I have a quick solution for global warming. I will switch from Fehrenheit to Celcius. It was 100 degrees and now it’s 40! You are welcome! I’m great at foreign policy because I’m from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.
我有一个解决全球变暖的最快办法，我会要求将华氏温度改为摄氏温度，原先100度，现在变成40度啦。不客气。我在外交方面也有一套，因为我来自中国，我可以在后院监视俄罗斯。
On foreign policy. I believe that unilateralism is too expensive; open dialog is too slow. If elected, I will go with text messaging. I’ll text our allies just to say hi; and text our enemies when they are driving. “OMG you are making nuclear weapons! But U R doing it wrong, LOL!”
提到外交政策，我认为单边主义代价太大，开放对话进程缓慢。如果我当选，我会采取发短信的方式。我会给我们的盟国发去短信，简答的打声招呼；给我们的敌人发去短信，当他们开车的时候，“哦天哪，你正在制作核武器，但你做得不对，大笑”。
I would like to thank Radio and TV Correspondents’ Association for giving such an incredible honor! This is the first time I wish my 3 year old son knew what I was doing. Thank you.
我要感谢美国记者协会今天对我的邀请和给予的殊荣，这是我第一次希望我3岁的儿子能知道他的父亲在做什么。谢谢大家！
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